Of Flamingo Scythes and Magial Girls
by Rike-sama
Summary: Petals, panic attacks, flamingo scythes. Add that to Naminé finally revealing the truth about Marluxia and things get a little too pink for Sora. Slightly OOC, the Fourth Wall cracked. ONESHOT.


**Of Flamingo Scythes and Magical Girls**

When authors are suffering from sunstroke...

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A Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories-FanFiction by Rike-sama.

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DISCLAIMER:

If Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories was my property, a lot of things would have gone differently. I don't really want to go there right now, but most changes would probably concern Marluxia – he'd give an insane laugh at least once, talk to flowers occasionally, dress himself and others up as girls repeatedly, and, of course, keep a Sailor Fuku and handcuffs in his closet. It's a good thing Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories doesn't belong to me, don't you think? XP

Sailor Moon nada mine.

The Wolf and the Seven Goatlings nada mine. ((not sure if that's what it's called))

That sentence no verb.

**AUTHOR's NOTE:** Please note that my first language isn't English, but German. Why is she even writing in English, then, you might ask. You see, the German Kingdom Hearts category is _that_ small :puts index finger and thumb together: and I just felt like translating it. XD I'm sorry if the mistakes I've surely made hurt you... Don't say I didn't warn you. The German version is a whole lot better and it has a semi-funny play on words that doesn't work in English to boot, so, if you speak the language... go read that one instead. XD It's called 'Von Flamingo Sensen und Magical Girls'.

The quotes from the game might also be wrong. For obvious reasons. On another note... I'm sorry for making Sora and Marluxia so OOC. I've never really written them before. Well, Marluxia was supposed to be like that, though. XD Riku's clone seems a bit off to me, too... o.ô Oh, I also apologize for the crack in the Fourth Wall... I'll fix it, of course. Eventually. XP

Enjoy!

**OF FLAMINGO-SCYTHES AND MAGICAL GIRLS**

o-o-o-o-o

"_The real Marluxia is in there?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_There's something powerful on the other side... I can feel it."_

"_Then let's hurry and stop it!"_

"_Yeah, we should do that!"_

"_Riku... take care of Naminé."_

"_Me?"_

"_You don't want to?"_

"_...very well."_

o-o-o-o-o

My opponent was at least thrice my size, had a morbid fetish for floral designs and was painted a blinding white.

That's right, I was facing the last door on the top floor of Castle Oblivion, just as tastelessly ornamented as all the others – what was the architect's problem with roses anyway?

You know, now that I think about it, the whole castle was indicating that something about the constructor was just a little off... Well, considering that a guy like Marluxia was the commander-in-chief, something like that was to be expected. Explained quite a few things, too.

I shuddered. _Marluxia..._ After polishing Larxene and her strange antennae-hairdo off I thought, hey, they can't possibly get any weirder! And then Vixen showed up, with his psychopathic laugh. Well, and now Marluxia.

I mean, his hairstyle can be forgiven, with that I can deal – what with his hood and its electrifying effect and stuff, it makes hair look like that – and up till now he hasn't laughed maniacally even once... but that's just a matter of time! Eventually they do it all. It's in their contract or something.

Err... whatever. So now I'm standing here, keyblade at the ready, fighting an acrimonious battle against the door which _the thing_ lurks behind. We'll see who can pretend to be an inanimate object for longer.

"_Your heart can even withstand the power of Marluxia. I just know it."_

You know, Naminé... If I were you I wouldn't hurt my little blonde head wondering whether or not my heart can withstand the power of Marluxia. Rearrange that sentence a bit, substitute a word or two for something or other and it might make more sense. But don't worry yourself.

I felt everyone's eyes firmly locked onto me. Donald, Goofy, Naminé and Riku – well, more like his clone – all of them were waiting for me to do something 'leader-like'. Like, say, go to that stupid door and open it already. But hey, even heros and leaders need a while to mentally prepare themselves for something! They too are just human after all...

It wasn't that I was afraid of some little skirmish. After fighting my way from the first floor all the way up to the top floor, through my own head and masses of heartless, developing a battle-phobia all of a sudden would've been _ridiculous_.

Had I wanted to be afraid, I should have done it at the very beginning – when we entered Castle Oblivion and the door fell shut behind us. Or maybe even before that. I don't remember, really.

No, what really had me worried was something else… It wasn't about fighting as much as it was about my _opponent_. And _no_, I do _not_ mean the door. Dumbass.

"Are you ready? There seems to be something powerful lurking behind that door…" 

Donald… We already had established that Marluxia was loitering about behind it, remember? And you know what? It's such a shame that in this context 'mächtig' translates to 'powerful' and not 'mighty'. I thought the play on words that used to be here in the German version was awesome. If you're really quiet and strain your ears a bit, you can hear the authoress wail in anguish. It's heartbreaking, really.

Sorry. Totally off topic there. Won't happen again. Promise.

I furrowed my brows as I remembered my actual problem. Marluxia. He was absolutely insane. He was demented. Totally out of his mind. Not to mention that he had no taste whatsoever when it came to interior decoration. I mean, hello? Something is just so wrong with that guy! The floor full of crystal water lilies that open when touched? Pillars that serve no other purpose than to support _small roses made of glass?_ …besides, everything was way too white. It hurt my poor eyes. And worst of all, the doors!

And so we get to where we began: My issues with the door. And what lay beyond.

Just a _mere thought_ on Marluxia made me want to turn on the heels of my bright yellow and ridiculously oversized shoes and fly down the stairs back to the ground floor, picking the lock of the entrance door with one of my hairpins – hey, I've got to make my hair stay spiky like that _somehow_, you know! – and then proceed to flee from the castle silently and secretly with a lot of hysterical clamor.

It should be obvious that I didn't _actually do that_. Firstly, that kind of behaviour didn't suit a supposed hero at all and secondly, I didn't even have any hairpins on me.

I stole a stealthy glance at Riku. Or rather, his clone. Unlike him I didn't spend hours standing in front of the bathroom mirrow every freakin' morning to get my hair to look _just the way I wanted it to_.

What do you mean, you don't think Riku is that kind of guy? Ha! HA! Can you hear me _laugh?_ If you had seen the _piles_ of empty hairspray cans in his bathroom you'd believe me. Seriously.One day we're all going to die because his massive usage of hairspray damaged the ozone layer, I'm telling you.

Uhm… nevermind. I kinda strayed from the actual subject again, hm? Oh well. It happens to everyone. You know, it's because this is the first time I can act the way I want to without Square Enix putting carefully chosen words into my mouth. That also explains my blatant OOC-ness. Ahem. What do they say? The mind is free.

Man, that sounded trite. Or whatever the English word is. Corny, maybe? Cheesy? The authoress is not quite sure… But I'm digressing. Again. It's not funny anymore. Not that it was funny to begin with, but still.

Okay. So where was I…? Oh, right. I stood in front of the door – if things continue like that it's going to need a ™ soon – and moaned about Marluxia. Not out loud, of course. And not like that either, you perverts.

You see, there was another problem I had with him: His weapon of choice creeped me out thoroughly. I mean, my keyblade was bad enough ("Hey, don't act up, okay? I know where your house lives and I even have a key to unlock the front door!") but an oversized scythe that resembles a flamingo…? You've got to know when to stop.

"_As long as we remember our promise, we can master everything!"_

I turned my head to look at Goofy. When I realized he fell asleep standing, I felt a sweatdrop the size of Manhatten appear on the back of my head. Somehow, seeing him like this didn't surprise me at all. Don't get me wrong, I like Goofy, he's an awesome buddy and he'll always find something entertaining or just downright stupid you can laugh about, and he never gets angry, ever, but… well. He _is_ kinda… clueless sometimes.

The thing is, yeah, I do believe that we can do just about anything as long as we're friends and stuff, but, you see… He and Donald are going to turn into _cards_ the moment I open that godforsaken door, damn it! Okay, I can summon them and everything, but they're not there _in person!_ Besides, it might be quite challenging for cards to protect me from Marluxia. Honestly…

Maybe it's time I explained why I was so terrified of Castle Oblivion's owner. It can't be just because of his bad taste, is probably what you're thinking.

I don't have anything against antagonists. Actually I get along with some of them pretty well – in AU fics. Yet Marluxia… that guy was just so… I dunno. Scary. Creepy. _Disturbing._

And then there were those pink petals, goddammit! I mean… I mean… whenever he moves, those stupid petals are floating around in the air! And you know what? The scary thing is, they just appear like that, out of _thin air_, and they're _pink_, for heaven's sake! I mean, hello? That guy actually tried _tickling me to death_ with an onslaught of pink cherry blossom petals!

Alluring blossoms! Ha! How sick can you be? Alluring blossoms! Next thing I know he'll produce a spectre like they have in that one show from the depths of his cloak and then he'll turn into _Sailor Sakura_, fighting for love, kitsch and (in)justice!

Picture this:

A vortex of glaring colours, light and glitter-confetti from the last carnival, and of course _cherry blossoms_ – never forget about those – a boring speech individually created for every fight, the rustling of a pink skirt way too short, the sound of stilettos hitting the ground, the flamingo scythe reflecting the light, and then:

'Magical Lipgloss Eternal Rainbow Sailor Sleeping Beauty Super Sakura Cherry Blossom Flamingo Stardust Beam!' and the opponents spontaneously combust in a pink explosion – with pink petals, of course.

If you don't find that at least mildly disturbing there's obviously something seriously wrong with you and you should go see a doctor to get your head examined. Oh, just a piece of advice: don't picture Tuxedo Kitsch (who'd wear a pink, duh, tuxedo and would throw pink roses). Magical Girl Sailor Sakura is more than enough to make an universe or two go blind, we don't need another one of those.

"I'll take care of Naminé. I promise!" 

Okay, Riku – or rather, his clone – I've changed my mind! Just let Naminé handle things herself and protect _me_ instead! I need help way more than she does! You know, cause, I'm the one who's gonna have to face an effeminate final boss real soon, not her! I mean, all _she'd_ have to do is erase his memory and then she'd be out of the woods, err, castle, but I, I have to face him, key blade against flamingo scythe!

Oh well, I'll admit it: I was beginning to get a bit hysterical. (a bit being the understatement of the year) But what was I supposed to _do?_ I was going to fight a boss battle – one that was on an entirely different level than Hook, or Alex, or heck, Shadowside or Darkside or whatever his name was. This was a lot worse: I had to fight _Marluxia_ – and why that reduced me to a bag of nerves I have already told you.

The others didn't seem to notice my inner turmoil, my anxiety state, my _panic attacks_, and if they did, they didn't show it. Goofy had been rudely awakened by Donald's disapproving ellbow, Riku's clone was spacing out and Naminé kept looking at me, her eyes and face full of expectation.

My mouth was dry, so I gulped. It didn't help at all. I could list all kinds of symptoms of nervousness now, for example a tongue that felt like parchment, sweaty hands, wobbly knees and all the rest of it, but right now there was something else calling for my attention:

The door.

"This is it, Sora! The last battle!" I flinched and stared in Donald's direction. What, already? I panicked. What about my last meal? I refuse to go before I had my last meal, dammit!

"You ready to go?" You too, Goofy? Oh, you traitorous fiend! And here I thought we were friends!

I raked a hand through my hair agitatedly and gave a little nervous laugh. "Uh, not yet. I'd rather stay here for some more time and… just… stare at the door or something. Yeah. I'll do that."

Riku's clone smirked and said tauntingly. "That's not the Sora I know." You know, when you think about it, you _don't_ know me since no matter how much you look like him, you're not Riku. "Don't tell me you're afraid?"

"Are you kidding?", I cried. "I'm just one step below having a mental breakdown!"

Heavy silence. My companions just looked at me doubtfully.

I felt my face heat up and quickly tried to defend myself. "I mean, I mean, _Marluxia _is behind that door!"

"Sora! You already beat him once!", Donald cried out.

"Well, I did, but…", I started to say, but the drake instantly cut me off.

"It's not like you have anything to fear! Fighting him a second time can't be so bad, can it?"

I remained silent.

"Are you really going to back down? What about your memories?" That was Goofy speaking. I pulled at my hair in frustration.

"Argh! None of you get it! Marluxia, he... the _petals_! They're everywhere! They're _pink!_" I looked at the others with hope shining in my eyes but the only reactions I got out of them were blank faces. "And, and his scythe! Seriously, it looks just like a giant flamingo!"

"…so what?", Naminé spoke up. I turned to look at her and yelled: "What do you mean, 'so what'? Listen here, he has a move he calls _Alluring Blossoms!_ I swear, that guy, he's crossed the line not only once or twice, but _thrice!_ In fact, he gives a whole new meaning to the expression 'crossing the line'!"

Riku's clone started laughing hysterically; I on the other hand didn't think this was funny in the least. Donald, Goofy and Naminé were doing their best to look like humanoid question marks. While the clone of my silver haired rival and sometimes friend was rolling on the floor laughing and clutching his sides I let the key blade drop to the ground and hugged myself tightly.

"He groped me!"

After that it was very quiet for a long, long time. Riku's clone had stopped laughing for now and stared at me with eyes that were threatening to pop out of their sockets. The others did the same. I watched the way Riku's clone's lips twitched upwards before he got into another laughing fit he probably wouldn't recover from so soon.

Goofy had tipped his head to the side and seemed to be thinking. I don't think he understood what I had said. Well, he might have, you can never tell with him. Naminé looked like a ripe tomato and had her gaze discreetly fixed onto the floor out of fear she could acidentally meet my eyes. And Donald… well, the drake was opnening and closing his beak like a fish – blub. It was a strange sight.

The first one to regain his ability to form a complete sentence was Donald. He said: "T-that… it probably was an accident, you know, you tend to get rather close in the heat of battle…"

I spent a second or two to think about that clearly equivocal statement, then I decided to voice my protests. Loudly. "Like hell that was an accident! There's no way you can accidently touch someone's..." I cut myself off hastily. I really didn't need to give them any details… "He smirked at me! And then he _winked!_"

The mage quaked something I couldn't quite make out. Naminé finally raised her head and said with a little bit of hesitation in her voice: "You know, it makes sense, sort of…"

Confusion written all over my face I looked at her. "What makes sense?"

"Well…" She started twiddling with her fingers in a nervous habit. „The thing is... well, I've heard Axel and Larxene talk to each other, and uh, apparantly Marluxia… well, he's had… uh, intimate intercourse with just about anyone in this castle. Including the both of them."

Donald made a sound that sounded like a mix between a quak and a shocked gasp. Riku's clone wiped tears of mirth out of his eyes. Goofy scratched his head. And I? Well, I shuddered and hugged myself tighter.

"I told you so!", I shouted at the mage. Then I asked everyone: "Can you see now why I'm not to keen on seeing Marluxia again?"

"…he raped Zexion…", the girl opposite of me said randomly. Thanks, Naminé. Just what I needed to hear right now. You really managed to calm me with that. "The door stay shut!", I decided forcefully.

"But Sora… What about our memories?", Goofy asked. He seemed worried.

I looked at him disbelievingly. "Are you saying I should just go and get myself raped to get my memories back…? Thanks, but no thanks! I'll gladly live without my memory if it means my virginity stays intact!" I gave Riku's clone the Evil Eye. "Don't comment."

He smirked and looked like he wanted to ignore my warning, but just that moment something happened that quickly shut him up.

Behind the door an unmistakeably male voice that seemed one or two octaves too high – probably due to chalk or something like that - sounded. "Magical Lipgloss Eternal Rainbow Sailor Sleeping Beauty Super Sakura Cherry Blossom Flamingo Stardust Beam!"

I let out a high-pitched scream as the door vanished in a pink explosion and a vortex of petals. Frozen with fear I watched on in horror as a person stepped out of the smoke, accompanied by the rustling of scarce pink cloth, the sound of high heels hitting the stone floor and the glinting of the ominous flamingo scythe.

"OOOH-HO-HO-HO-HO!"

Not only did he actually wear a Sailor Sakura costume and had finally given his very first maniacal laugh – I freaking told you so! – but he also held a pair of handcuffs in his left hand. He looked very much like he intended to put them to use. And he was looking straight at me. With _that_ face.

"Sora, honey! Please excuse my lateness. Oh, you can't begin to understand just how hard it was to get into this dress! It's so small…"

Whoa, whoa, hold it right there!

"But now that I'm here we can finally have a little fun, isn't that right?"

Handcuffs? _Fun?_ Screw my memories! Who needs memories anyway?

I took to my heels and with a scream I'm sure even the rats in the basement could hear I stormed down the stairs without ever slowing down or looking back until I reached the ground floor. Then I was confronted with the issue of the entrance door.

A locked entrance door.

I didn't have a key, unfortunately not any hairpins either. There wasn't that much time to spare… So I did the only right thing: I used my head. Literally.

Sure, it did hurt a little, but I knew that my pain wasn't anything compared to what my friends were probably going through right now – they were exposed to _that thing_ after all. And right now, I really didn't want to be in their shoes.

I would have pitied them if my mind hadn't been busy trying to forget about that traumatic experience. Bad imagery, bad imagery…

I ran like the devil himself was hot on my heels – and to me, he was – and knew: this incident would haunt me till the day I died.

"OOOH-HO-HO-HO-HO!"

Maybe even longer.

* * *

Please excuse the stupid ending. I couldn't come up with a fitting punch line… Writing this was lots of fun. Translating it was boring, though. XP

I borrowed Marluxia's laugh from Naga ((Slayers)). If you know who Naga is… don't picture him wearing her 'outfit'… You might go blind.

Just to clear something up: I don't hate Marluxia. Quite the opposite actually.

You want to draw Magical Girl Marluxia aka Sailor Sakura? Make sure to show me and I'll love your forever and ever and ever. XD

Again, sorry for any and all mistakes I've made.

Oh, I'm SO going to get flamed for this… XP

Anyways, thanks for reading and if you have the time, play with the review button a little, it's lonely and wants to be petted. X3


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